Look. Highly emo post. If you're someone thinking of committing suicide, don't really encourage to read. For the author for this post, was being announced dead. And, yeah, i'm the author. Labels: Friends.
It's killing me, like an endless vertigo whirling at the back of my mind, round and round till thoughts tangle and strangle.
If you think i'm gonna stuck in this fcuked up mess, cornering myself to the dead-end and not moving on with this pathetic life, then you're absolutely- right. I'm definitely not. I'm currently in the state of self-destructing, willingly let the pain eat up my heart, mind and soul. Note, it's self-mocking.
If you're going to be all cool about the whole incident and felt that there's nothing much at stake, then please let me know, be it an sms, email or letter. At least get me informed that if i were the only person suffocating myself with agony. And by then, i'll no longer hold it, or go any further.
I should have known better than to rely on you, total reliance on the friendship i thought will going to last. So it left me with me and myself. I chose to believe that you'll understand, but me being wrong cross my mind every now and then i thought about it. It was the negative cells that got into me, but i was taught that negative is reality.
I was hoping i had someone to confide in when i felt the first impact in friendship, i didn't plan to get myself all sensitive over a sentence, i didn't plan to know that i wasn't who she thought as best friend for that moment i ask her back the question, i didn't plan for myself to get hurt when i acted nonchalantly as if it's alright. But i'm a human with blood and tears, emotions and thoughts. I didn't plan it all but it all came to me, attacking me, left me all vulnerable and weak to fight back. But most importantly, i didn't plan for myself to pin on the very last hope and continue believing.
And when i thought i wasn't really alone, you prove me wrong and that was the last straw. So after all, i am. I thought you would have understood me, and know me better than i did. Why am i so fcuked up with the whole small thing and what was it that really got onto my nerves. But i guess, you didn't really realise where i was coming. And definitely, the both of us isn't going to where i thought we would. So, after all nobody understands me.
It's all the memories that kept me holding on, the soul talks we had when we walked the dark alleys home, the kind of understanding, you knew i'm always grumpy in the morning, i understands how you regret after you do or say things impulsively, you knew how my mood varies and how weird i am, i understands how you could get excited over the smallest issues. And here i am, looking so pathetic and desperate for attentions which i don't know whether you'll give or not.
Everyone was pursuing for happiness in life, from young to old, every minutes they're doing so. But i'm not, at least not now. I wanted to be unhappy, i wanted to feel pain, i wanted to cry out so loud, i wanted to vent out my emotions. Revealing through words were the most i can do. And for once, I ever hated myself so much for not having the courage to just let it out, everything and it'll sooner or later be fine, be it in the good way or bad.
I wasn't a optimistic and strong person to start with. Once wounded, instead of let it heal, i cut it deeper. After all, you do know how much it took me to trust and how easy it get me to doubt.
Signing off;
Thanks, my two bestfriends, if you haven realised how sensitive i am.
